“No” Is Not a Bad Word: How Healthy Boundaries Are the Foundation of Actually Knowing Yourself |Music Therapy | Vancouver, WA

Every Sunday morning last December, I woke up dreading church.

I was the youth chorister. I stood in front of a room full of beautiful children every week and taught them to sing songs about love, hope, and faith. And every single week, I felt like a fraud, because I didn’t have any of those things, not right then. I was running on empty, barely holding my house together, and showing up week after week because I was good at it and because I felt like I was supposed to.

Then one Sunday morning, something cracked open. I looked at my phone before I could talk myself out of it, sent a text, and asked them to find someone else to lead the music.

Before I could overthink it. Before the guilt hit. Before I could convince myself I didn’t have a choice.

Because here’s what I knew, even in the fog of that December: nobody else was going to set that boundary for me. Other people don’t know what you need unless you tell them. The only person who could advocate for myself, was me.

That moment taught me more about health strategies than any training I’ve done. And it starts with understanding what we’ve been getting wrong about “coping.”

Coping Strategies vs. Health Strategies: There’s a Real Difference

We hear “coping strategies” and think: tools to help us manage ourselves. Get through the hard moment. Keep the lid on.

But there’s a different way to think about this entirely.

Building strategies that help you navigate who you are, how you learn, how you feel, what you need, isn’t management. It’s proactive. It’s you choosing to understand yourself deeply enough to actually be successful and fulfilled. Not just functional, fulfilled.

That’s a completely different goal, and it requires a completely different approach.

A coping strategy says: how do I get through this?

A health strategy says: what do I actually need to thrive?

One of the most fundamental pieces of health strategies, maybe the most fundamental, is knowing and setting your boundaries. Not boundaries as a concept. Your specific boundaries, for your specific life, right now.

Because here’s what most people miss: boundaries aren’t one-size-fits-all. They’re different for different people and different situations. What protects your wellbeing looks different from what protects mine. And no one can determine what your boundaries need to be except you.

Creating boundaries to protect your health isn’t something you hope will happen. It’s something you prioritize. Actively. Intentionally. Because you’ve decided that reclaiming yourself is worth it.

Three Places Boundaries Get Hard (And What to Do About It)

1. The word “no,” it’s not a bad word

Somehow, for so many of us, especially women, the word “no” has become loaded with anxiety. We’d rather upset ourselves, overcommit, and burn down our own reserves than disappoint someone else.

So we say yes. Even when we’re already underwater. Even when yes means we have nothing left for ourselves. Even when yes is a lie we’re telling just to keep the peace.

Here’s the truth: “no” is a complete sentence. It doesn’t require an explanation, an apology, or a lengthy justification. It’s an act of honesty, about what you have, what you don’t, and what you need.

The discomfort of saying no is temporary. The cost of never saying it is not.

2. Family boundaries, the hardest ones to hold

Family is where boundaries get complicated fast. Parents, siblings, spouses, in-laws, children. The people we love the most are often the hardest to be honest with.

Here’s something to think about: you are not responsible for what other people expect of you. You are responsible for communicating clearly what your limits are.

That’s it. You can’t control their reaction. You can only control what you say and how you show up.

For moms especially, the mental load, the invisible labor, the expectation that your needs are the last ones on the list, this is where work/life balance gets personal. Prioritizing your needs is not selfish. Your needs are not too much. Learning to communicate your boundaries clearly is one of the most powerful things you can do for your family, and for yourself.

3. Your sphere of influence, know what you actually control

This one is underrated.

When you’re thinking about where to put your energy when it comes to boundaries, it helps to get honest about your sphere of influence. Who do you actually have control over? Who do you influence, but not control? And what is simply outside your reach?

Some things are beyond you. You can’t change them. And pouring your energy into boundaries around things you can’t control is exhausting and demoralizing.

But the things within your control? That’s where your energy goes. That’s where your boundaries live. That’s where advocating for yourself actually moves the needle.

The December I Finally Chose Myself

Last December, my life was chaos, even by my standards.

My oldest was in crisis, and we were looking into intensive outpatient care. My second was calling me from the middle school multiple times a day, overwhelmed and distressed. My youngest was desperate for attention that kept getting redirected to her brothers. I had left a job because my boss made changes that didn’t align with where I wanted to go, so I started building my own practice from scratch.

And every Sunday morning, I woke up dreading church.

I was the youth chorister. Every week I stood in front of those kids and led them in songs about love, hope, and faith, while feeling none of those things. I kept going because I felt obligated, because I was good at it, because leaving felt like failing, because how could I say no to music.

Then one morning, in a moment of clarity I didn’t see coming, I realized: I have a choice. I don’t have to keep doing this just because I feel like I’m supposed to.

Before I could overthink it, I sent the text. I set my boundary and communicated clearly and asked them to find a new chorister.

That one act, that one boundary, didn’t fix everything. My house was still chaos. My kids still needed more than I had but something shifted, because I had proven to myself that I was allowed to advocate for my own needs. That I was the only one who could. That waiting for someone else to notice and give me permission was never going to work.

Nobody else is going to set your boundaries for you. They can’t. They don’t live inside your life the way you do. They don’t know what you’re carrying.

You are the only one who can do this. And you are worth doing it for.

Your Challenge This Week

Think about one place in your life where you’ve been saying yes when the honest answer is no.

Not to be radical. Not to blow anything up. Just to notice.

Where have you been overriding yourself to keep someone else comfortable? And what would it look like, even in a small way, to start advocating for what you actually need?

You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just have to start somewhere.

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I wrote about the Sunday morning I finally stopped performing, and what one boundary changed for me.

If you have a friend who’s been running on empty and calling it fine, share this post.

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FAQ

What’s the difference between a coping strategy and a health strategy?

Coping strategies are reactive, they help you manage or get through difficult moments. Health strategies are proactive, they help you understand yourself deeply enough to build a life that actually works for you. Boundaries are one of the most important health strategies you can develop.

Why are boundaries so hard to set with family?

Family relationships carry the most emotional weight, which makes honest communication feel riskier. Many women, especially mothers, have been conditioned to prioritize others’ needs over their own. Recognizing that you are not responsible for others’ expectations, only for clearly communicating your own needs, is a powerful first step.

Is it selfish to set boundaries?

No. Setting boundaries is one of the most honest and caring things you can do for yourself and for the people around you. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out. They’re about making room for you to show up as your whole self, and that benefits everyone.

What does music therapy have to do with boundaries?

Music therapy, especially client-led, trauma-informed music therapy, creates a space where you practice advocating for yourself in a low-stakes, supported environment. You lead the session. You decide what feels right. Over time, that experience of having your voice honored builds the muscle for advocating for yourself everywhere else.